{"id":122163,"date":"2022-08-23T21:25:12","date_gmt":"2022-08-24T03:25:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bemorewithless.com\/?p=122163"},"modified":"2022-09-14T10:28:44","modified_gmt":"2022-09-14T16:28:44","slug":"set-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bemorewithless.com\/set-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Set Boundaries For a Happier Life (& Better Birthdays)"},"content":{"rendered":"

I hope this story will help you set boundaries and feel better connected to the people you love.<\/p>\n

Standing in the dimly lit bowling alley, I knew I should be happy to be here but all I could think about was the shoes. If I have no intention of actually bowling\u2026 do I still have to wear bowling shoes? If I don\u2019t, will everyone think there is something wrong with me?<\/p>\n

I wish I knew how to set boundaries then<\/h2>\n

I was in Chicago for a business gathering with a bunch of creative entrepreneurs, around 30 people that I\u2019d first met earlier that year. As an introvert, I sometimes get overwhelmed in bigger groups, but I was glad to be at a second meet-up; I get to know and let people in slowly. After a day spent studying the secrets of copywriting, we were going bowling or, in my case, pretending to bowl while hopefully getting to have some meaningful one-on-one conversations with my new friends. While I was excited, I was also starting to feel a creeping dread that had nothing to do with the shoes.<\/p>\n

\"Set<\/p>\n

That morning, I had woken up in my hotel room with a sense of relief. It was my birthday but because I was traveling, for once I didn\u2019t have to worry about birthday surprises; no special versions of the birthday song clapped out at a restaurant, candles that never go out while everyone stares at me for my shock and delight. Instead I enjoyed nice phone calls from my loved ones and the flowers my husband had sent. I knew I wouldn\u2019t have to hear about my birthday for the rest of the day, which felt like a gift in itself.<\/p>\n

But during the workshop that afternoon, one new friend called out, \u201cHappy Birthday, Courtney!\u201d As I thanked her, my stomach went into a tight knot. How did she know? I hadn\u2019t told anyone. Now, walking towards the lanes of the bowling alley, I was on edge and on the lookout for surprises.<\/p>\n

I hate being surprised. I don\u2019t mean gentle surprises, like a text message or card in the mail. Those are lovely! But I can\u2019t stand surprises that are loud, shocking or come with a song or candles \u2026 no thank you. It\u2019s not that I hate my birthday. I\u2019m grateful every year when it comes around, I just feel uncomfortable being the focus of birthday attention. So every year, I have to prepare myself for people singing to me. Every year I force a smile, make a wish and blow out the candles. Every year, the wish is the same: next year, please don\u2019t sing happy birthday to me. Ultimately, it took me almost 50 years to speak this wish to anyone but the universe.<\/p>\n

With the bowling shoes still in my hand, I looked up, got out of my thoughts and came back to the group, trying to find a conversation I could join. Suddenly, a hush came over the room. It was quickly followed by a collective inhale, the one I can feel in my bones every year before that song starts. I feel sick. Behind me, someone bursts into song, \u201cHappy Birthday to you \u2026\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Nooooo. Seriously? In the bowling alley? Then everyone joins in. I don\u2019t know most of my group very well. I don\u2019t know the other strangers in the bowling alley at all! I am mortified. The whole entire world is staring at me. Or at least the whole entire bowling alley world is staring at me.<\/p>\n

I slap a big smile on my face and try not to cry as the cake with candles approaches and all of my new friends ramp up their singing. Someone hands me a card and jokes about how since I\u2019m a minimalist, I\u2019ll probably throw it out. We all laugh (one of us is still trying not to cry). Logically, I know it all came from a place of love and celebration. Still, I want to run back to my hotel room, get under the covers and pretend I never got out of bed in the first place.<\/p>\n

That wasn’t the first time I wanted to cry about my birthday<\/h2>\n

When I was 49, I heard whispers of a 50th birthday celebration. One that my husband was very excited to plan. One I desperately did not want. As I sat across from my therapist telling her about how I was dreading whatever this fun family-filled surprise was going to be, she said, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you tell him you don\u2019t want a surprise birthday party?\u201d Um, what? Excuse me? I can just say that? I can just tell someone who is doing something thoughtful not to do it? Also, why did it take a therapist to give me permission to ask for what I want? It all sounded so simple. With this new possibility, I felt free.<\/p>\n

When I told my husband, I realized how not simple it was. I did not want a surprise birthday party but he wanted to give me one. It took more than one gentle conversation, but we got there. On my 50th birthday, instead of fake smiling my way through another verse of Happy Birthday, I ran off a cliff in La Jolla (with a trained hang gliding professional), ate fish tacos from my favorite seaside spot with people I love and celebrated with waves, seals, and a sunset I\u2019ll never forget. I got everything I wanted because, for once, I said out loud what I wanted and what I didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I know I’m not alone<\/h2>\n

Perhaps my aversion to being sung to and celebrated strikes you as odd, but from what I\u2019ve learned, I\u2019m not alone. In a survey I did with people who subscribe to my newsletter, I learned from thousands of participants that more than 75% of you don\u2019t like being sung to either and 77% of the 75% have never told anyone. In this survey people also shared all of the other things they tolerate because they think they are supposed to, because they don\u2019t know that they can ask for what they want, and what they don\u2019t want. Or they know but they don\u2019t want to face the discomfort of expressing themselves. Maybe you feel the same way.<\/p>\n

I want to change that so we can all enjoy a more peaceful, connected existence. Instead of avoiding the people who annoy us by doing things we hate, what if we just told them it wasn\u2019t ok? What if we expressed boundaries not just around the big things but the day-to-day things too? And, what if we did it in such a way that when we set boundaries it served as a bridge instead of a fence, or even better what if we could see our boundaries as a map \u2026 a map of each of us, of what\u2019s important to us and what we enjoy and what we don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Your boundaries are a map of you<\/h2>\n

Boundaries<\/a> are how we show each other who we are. Your boundaries are a map of you. They show others who you are and how to love you. Set boundaries so you can tell people …<\/p>\n